Thursday, June 23, 2011

C Is For Cookie

          I remember being a litlle girl watching Sesame Street on television. The show was created when I was about two years old. I loved watching those shows , learning new things, laughing at the muppets. My mom knew that I loved them too so she purchased the albums. I memorized all the songs on the albums and would perform them live. The house I grew up in had a platform after the first two steps upstairs and that was my stage. I wanted to be a singer-actor-dancer. I wanted to sing all the time. When I was bored I would sing and act. I would make up stories in my head.  That was my dream. For whatever reasons, I did not become an actress. I was a little girl. Cookies were not a bad thing. I would eat a couple of cookies. Not a handful, not a bagful. Just a couple of cookies. I was a happy little girl singing "C Is For Cookie that's good enough for me". And they were. Cookies are not bad or evil.
            When you become an adult you are taught to act a different way. You have responsibilities. You go to work. They don't appreciate you singing silly songs at work. You have kids. If you have children, they need you to be in control because when you're not, they have to become the adult. It's no fun. You don't vent your feelings all over the place. You take your lumps and move on. You swallow those lumps until they have a side effect. Mine is weight.
           I moved on from cookies to basically anything. But I am not really talking about cookies am I ? I am really talking about this week's topic in the Weight Watchers meeting about managing your feelings. We had a deep discussion about how most of us make poor eating choices because we want to feel SOMETHING (fill in your own blank here). I admitted in my previous blog that I read about a woman who had her dream job but was still unhappy and took it out on herself with food. This is actually a common thing. I admit to not being happy about some things in my life. Nothing harsh readers, just some things that I feel like I am not getting. Most of the time I brush it off to "what's for you is for you" but that does not mean that the feeling goes away. You're actually suppressing it.  And sometimes those feelings rise to the surface and you need a substitute. I admit to going to food without even asking myself if I am hungry.
           Last week I ate some out of the ordinary things for me. A bag of vanilla wafers, some french fries. I ate ice cream with my hubby two nights in a row. The first night it was two spoons and a quart. WW know that is an absolute no-no. But I was feeling down and didn't have my usual adreline rush so I medicated myself.  There was a length of time in my life where I medicated myself all the time. I did not workout. I barely went out except to go to work. I avoided some people and places. The weight piled on and I just kept wearing my big pants(some were recycled from my maternity wardrobe). I had a position where I was rarely seen outside of my office. Then my office was moved. Then I took a different position where I had to be a little more public. You know what I found out?  Eventually I started to figure out that I was the biggest person in the room. Huge revelation.
          Since then I joined Weight Watchers and I lost weight. Then I stopped going to meetings and I gained weight. Then I went back to meetings and I lost more weight than before. I still have a long way to go. This week I gained two pounds. Bummer. It could have been a lot worse being that I super indulged. But it wasn't because I was in control for part of the time. I did not work out and I barely tracked. Bad Carin!
         In the Tuesday Night Happy Hour meeting, a few of us vented our frustrations. I spoke out about how I buried my needs so down deep into myself that I had become the last person on my own list. It took me a long time to move myself higher and higher up my own list. There are still times when I revert for whatever reasons. That may be part of what's going on with me now. But I am awake. I had to chuckle at my friend, Tam admitting that she loves to eat things that begin with the letter C. It sounds silly but when you think about it....cookies, candy, cake, cheese doodles, cream ( as in ice cream); they all start with C.
         I have a different balance now. Whenever I can, I sing the silly songs. I dance the silly dance. I have a funny family that acts. We love to watch silly movies and laugh until we can't breathe.We talk to our cat and do impressions of what we think she would sound like and answer back.  I may not be a Broadway star but I am a Power Puff Mom. I wear a lot of pink and ride a pink bike. I am a little weird to some people but I don't worry about fitting in as much as I used to. C is for Carin. That's good enough for me.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Feelin Groovy

This morning I jumped up, looked at the clock and saw that it was 6:50am. I shook my hubby going OMG I overslept. The look on his face was you dummy (cue the jackass in the bubble over my head).It is Saturday morning; one of the two days a week that I get to sleep late. Once I realized my mistake, I got up and fed the cat. Most Saturday mornings, our cat Abby is scratching on the door for someone to get up and feed her. When I finished feeding her, I realized she was not there harrassing me for her food. I panicked thinking she was ill, but she looked at me with the same look hubby gave, why are you up? Usually Jake is up watching cartoons at this hour but no Jake. I procceded to make my favorite at home quick breakfast; two boiled eggs, two pieces of toast and two oranges. The eggs exploded in the pot while boiling. Really?!! Truly this is not my day.
           I have been having alot of "not my day" feelings lately. I keep on rolling along with the punches ( I mean really, what else am I going to do). But those punches are starting to take the wind out of me.What am I getting at? I am talking about staying on track.  Back in April I was down 48.2lbs. So close to losing 50lbs that I could taste it on the tip of my tongue. But since then I have been on a weird downward spiral. Do you know the feeling when you were small and you accidententally slipped into to deep part of the swimming pool and you found yourself making the choice whether to drown or swim your way back to the edge of the pool and live? That is how I feel.
  This week I gained 1.6lbs which brings my loss to 43.6lbs. That means I have gained five pounds, up and down a pound or two each week.  I am falling off the wagon and not managing my feelings and nor self monitoring. I am tracking the foods that I eat because I know darn well that it is important to do so. I even write down the bad things like eating a whole bag of Pop Chips at a baseball game. Tracking is an important tool in the Weight Watchers journey. I know this, but tracking alone does not stop me from making wrong choices because I am not managing my feelings.

   There should be a sign on me that says will eat anything. I am on a poor choice binge. This is not happening everyday. I am getting a laid back vibe about what I put in my mouth.The fact that it does not happen everyday I attribute to being on the program. The perfect analogy is having the "good me" /"bad me" on your shoulder. You have seen it on shows and cartoons. WW is the "good me" saying don't eat that; don't you remember what that did to you? On the other side the "bad me" is saying go ahead. What? Are the WW police going to come and get you?
A year ago, someone recommended the book "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. This book is about managing your feelings. I did not finish it a year ago. As a matter of fact, I lost it. So I recently downloaded it into my nook. I read a few pages this week and found myself thinking about all the reasons we eat. I know I have sat through this topic in many meetings. But the reference in the book that day was about someone having what she thought she wanted, not being happy with all aspects of it and turning to food to medicate herself. This taps into a lot of feelings about my life and how I deal with the things that I don't like about it. There are motivational speakers who will say just change it. Well guess what motivational speakers, sometimes there are circumstances you should not rush to change because it will start a domino effect to all the other aspects of life. Let people know that we are not going to be happy about EVERY aspect of your job, or EVERY aspect of your love life, or EVERY aspect of your relationship with your parents, siblings or offspring. Instead of teaching flight(with the exception of life threatening situations, of course), teach people that you can deal with things by taking a look at the good things aka the blessings.

  I have to take a page from my friend Tam's trip to the spa where she took lessons in meditation and breathing. I have not tried to meditate in a while. I think I need to breathe. I was talking to a collegue about what's going on in my life lately and complaining about how the continuing drama of the sprained ankle is taking all the fun about my Spring. She is working on some health issues on her own and said that I need to take it easy, stop trying to do everything and make my family help me. I started defending myself and she said I have a control problem. Me?? We're talking about someone whose apartment is a mess, whose finances are tighter than a speedo,and who is so overweight but cannot stop eating. I'm a control freak. I don't think so.  But historically, I have found when someone says something to you and you immediately get pissed off and defensive; there may be some truth about it. Things that make you go hmmmm......

Tues - all day -4pts
Wed. - biking - 5pts
Thurs - all day - 3pts
Fri. - all day - 6pts
Sat. rest day
Sun -  all day + biking - 8pts
Mon - all day - 6pts
TOTAL = 32pts
            It's true that I have not been doing many formal exercising because by the time I get home from work and cook it's late and I think about the fact that I have not been off the ankle all day and prop it up on pillows. The days that I bike, I have been riding like the devil himself is behind me. My muscles ache all the way up into my butt.

Please forgive me for being a little off. I have not checked in a while so I will begin from June.
Previous miles= 2625.18
wk 1 +wk2 in June = 47.09miles
2,578.09 miles to go to SEATTLE

just keep peddling

saw this in a magazine and thought it was a real club LOL
            This week me and my WW homies stayed behind for Melanie first timers after the meeting again. I need all the help I can get. Until I get back on track, I will keep going to meetings, keep tracking ( even the cookies I ate ),keep moving  and keep putting the ankle on pillows. Please send me positive thoughts.


Saturday, June 11, 2011

Walk Like An Egyptian Part One

             No, I didn't forget about the Tuesday Night Happy Hour Monthly 5K. This month's 5K took place on June 2nd and I think it was one of the best one's yet. Tam picked one of the best routes yet. Last month we ventured into Central Park territory for the first time and liked it. So this month we went through Central Park. and saw some really beautiful sites and I'd like to show some to you all.
the start line;Grace,me,Pete,Condy,Bob,Melanie,Tam,Steve

and Nina too

top of the Plaza Hotel
            Our start line was 58th Street and Fifth Avenue. I walked from my office for 18 blocks only to find out that our organizer Tam to the train. Way to go Tam.  It was a super windy corner. Luckily for us, two of officers were kind enough to take our start line pictures. Then we crossed a few streets and entered Central Park. If you enter Central Park around 6oth Street and Fifth Avenue, you will see the most beautiful view of a lake.

rocky trail

Central Park West skyline

          Suddenly in the middle of our walk, we were lost.
we should go this way

no,let's go that way

which way should we go
              We were looking for the carousel, but when we arrived. it was closed.

sorry Pete, the carousel's closed
           We looked for Tavern on the Green too, but it was closed.

      Then Tam took us to the surprise destination. Lincoln Center.

Coming soon, more pics from the June 5K.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Baby Can You Stop The Rain

              So it's another rainy evening in New York. I am so over the rain. Jake's little league game was called on account of rain. I feel so sorry for him because tonight's game was a make up game for another rain day.  I am working on my recommitment to my weight loss journey. I never stopped being on the journey but I did delay it a little. Sometimes you get lost on the way. Then you dig out your trusty map and try to get back on course. After this week's Tuesday Night Happy Hour meeting, me and a few of my WW homies stayed behind for a "getting started" meeting. This is for the newbies to learn how to work the program. As it turns out, some of us "not so newbies" to need to get started again.
              We reviewed the importance of power foods and good health guidelines. I have been on many different diets before but this time on WW I learn more about the importance of balance. Part of this balance are the Good Health Guidelines. This consists of all the things that will help you on your way to a better body all around. It's cool to be thin but in the long run it is far better to be healthy. Let's start with food.
1)you should eat five servings of fruits and veggies every day. For example, today I ate two oranges with my breakfast, for lunch I had asparagus and a golden apple with my pasta.  For dinner I ate a baked sweet potato and cabbage. Later I will have a banana. It's easy to add up to at least five servings if you add some to every meal.
2) whenever possible go for the whole grains. When I started my journey I had an me vs them theory with my family. It was exhausting both my time and money. I switched my family to whole grain bread, whole grain pasta and brown rice. Yes it tastes a little different at first but that's because you're addicted to the white stuff. There is nothing wrong with white stuff but today's products have changed and they are tasty. Give them a try .
3)Take a multivitamin. Your body needs the extra help to process you intake and to keep you in balance for all the fun activities you do.
4) drink plenty of water but beware the times that you drink it. It can keep you running back and forth to the bathroom.
5) try to be active. A little at a time at first.Rome was not built in a day.
my bike Pinky Tuscadero

           I believe in being active whenever possible. I am currently on an activity slow down due to my sprained ankle. But my doctor said that I could try biking. I have never been so happy to hear that biking should be okay for me to do right now because I am beginning to get cabin fever. I also like to include Jake in the biking because it's easy for children to have less activity during the school year so. He loves his bike as much as I love mine and he loves the time he gets to spend doing bike adventures with Mom. Yesterday, was my work from home day and Jake had baseball practice at six o'clock pm. So we got our bikes out to ride to the field. Due to the new laws in New York, adults have to ride in the street. So Jake rides on the sidewalk and I ride close to the curb so that I can keep and eye on him as well as learn to tolerate riding with traffic. I have to tell you that I get a little nervous with the buses and trucks. Yesterday a truck stayed on my tail almost the whole ride to the field. He was probably more nervous about hitting me than I was about staying out of his way.
         When we arrived at the field, Jake started practicing with the team and I decided to explore the bike path near the field. I don't know exactly how long it was. I am guessing about a mile. I rode around it ten times. It was wonderful. My legs were peddling away. It felt so great. Please take a look.

the Pehlam Bay

the year of my birth

me pumping my legs

this sign indicates the bike path

Jake practicing with the team

After my laps around the bike path I took time out to take pictures of Jake and his team mates practicing. I also took time out to drink a bottle of water and have my snack; an orange. How's that for power foods. After a late practice, Jake and I took our ride back home before it gets too dark. I need to invest in so bike reflectors now that I am out in the traffic. All in all it  was a good day.

my healthy snack; one orange and a bottle of water. yes that is my recycled Brother Jimmy's BBQ container.

Jake rides with his baseball gear on his back

the winding road home

more leg pumping

eek! traffic

riding while keeping an eye on Jake

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Do It Again

               This week's meeting topic is about tracking. When I am in control, tracking is my friend. I like to double track. This means I track online using Weight Watchers E-Tools as well as on paper. I like the online tools because it automatically calculates the amount of points you consume each day. It can also help you calculate how many points something is worth which comes in handy when you are trying to plan what you are going to eat in advance. Tracking in adavance helps a lot of people. A few of my WW homies have had real success in breaking through a weight loss stall. Imagine being able to track what you plan to eat days in adavance. I cannot do this. For one thing me and my family rarely eat out or order in. That is a luxury for us. Most of the time I know what we are going to eat because I purchase most of the same foods that keeps our budget on track. But let's say, someone treated me to lunch and that this lunch was worth more points than my usual lunch. Now I can sit down with the tracker and figure out how many points dinner will go into bonus points or figure out how to make my dinner plate lighter that night.
              Paper tracking is also a wonderful thing. After I lost about 20-25lbs, I hit a plateau. I could not figure out what was happening to me. I purchsed one of those black and white composition note books and used it to log not only what I ate but also how I felt in little notes in the margin. For example, work was really hard today or I had an argument with my hubby. Sometimes I made bad choices on those days and I could look back and see that I was medicating myself with food. This may not cure me of eating but it gives me some evidence and some insight as to what behaviors I took to deal with stress, punishing myself with weight gain. It gives you something to think about.
               When I was younger I had Hello Kitty diaries in which I put down my feelings.These rantings of an emotional teenager may seem like silliness but every once and a while I read them and saw some of the silly mistakes I made. I saw how I made some human beings important to me when they obviously were not good for me. I did not want to see that at the time(I probably did not hear it at the time either). I was not ready then. But the resource is still there in my words in my handwriting. I still have some of those diaries. I also still have many of my WW trackers too including ther black and white notebook. Maybe now is the time to read them again.Hmmm. What do I know now that I should have known then?
             This week I lost 1.2lbs. Which is great considering some of the foolish choices I made this week. Of course I did do a little more activity than I have in the past few weeks due to my sprained ankle.
Tues.5/31: all day - 4pts
Wed. 6/1: rest day
Thurs. 6/2: 5K Day - 16pts
Fri.6/3: all day - 7pts
Sat. 6/4: all day - 3pts
Sun. 6/5: all day - 3pts
Mon. 6/6: all day + 30 min Walk dvd - 5pts
Total for the week = 38 activity pts

Monday, June 6, 2011

Yesterday Once More

    I have been extremely deliquent lately. I have been off my game and off my blog . That stinks. Part of it was because I was feeling sorry for myself because of my ankle. It is still sprained. We are in week three of an ankle sprain. Part of it is because I am stubborn. I hate forced rest. As a matter of fact, I am not sure that I know what forced rest actually means. Let's see, I am supposed to RICE( rest, ice, compress and elevate). This is hard for me because I work, I am a little league mom and I am the cook.My family is great but they really can't do it all. I am super Carin. I am supposed to do it all.
      To quote from Spiderman, "with great power comes great responsibility ". No truer words were spoken. Yes I am the big cheese at home but sometimes I am not the big cheese at taking care of the big cheese. I feel pulled in so many directions that I am not sure which way to go. But I do know the way to go. The way is down. Down the scale. I slipped up. I have not been on my game.
        Those little slips sneak up on you little by little. It starts out by one extra chip. Then extra something else. Secret eating. Not everyday but that doesn't matter. I have to get a hold of me.I was a little disappointed for not running the 5K on May 21st. But I did not let it stop me from walking in the the Weight Watchers Walk It Challenge on May 22nd. I took it easy for a few days but then I started to feel trapped by my ankle. I asked the doctor if there was something I could do and he said that I could ride my bike. That was exactly what I did. My son Jake and I took some rides around the neighborhood. It felt so good and so free. I spent a few days riding my bike and attending little league games and I felt great.  I love being able to do things. Fun things. For years, I did not do things that were active and fun because I thought I could not or should not. But once I started my weight loss journey, I realized that I was entitled to do all those things. I realize that buried deep down beneath all of this fat was a woman who could ride her bike for miles and a woman who could jog a 5K.

Me, back on the bike
        So forgive been as I slowly try to get back into things .I will try to be frank about slipping. I have slipped off the cliff and I am now hanging by my fingernails. I am trying to get back up on the ledge. Just imagine at 234lb woman hanging from a cliff from her fingernails. That's me. But also imagine me getting one foot back on the ledge. I will . I did it before.
Jake back on the bike
Me and Jake after a long bike ride