C Is For Cookie

          I remember being a litlle girl watching Sesame Street on television. The show was created when I was about two years old. I loved watching those shows , learning new things, laughing at the muppets. My mom knew that I loved them too so she purchased the albums. I memorized all the songs on the albums and would perform them live. The house I grew up in had a platform after the first two steps upstairs and that was my stage. I wanted to be a singer-actor-dancer. I wanted to sing all the time. When I was bored I would sing and act. I would make up stories in my head.  That was my dream. For whatever reasons, I did not become an actress. I was a little girl. Cookies were not a bad thing. I would eat a couple of cookies. Not a handful, not a bagful. Just a couple of cookies. I was a happy little girl singing "C Is For Cookie that's good enough for me". And they were. Cookies are not bad or evil.
            When you become an adult you are taught to act a different way. You have responsibilities. You go to work. They don't appreciate you singing silly songs at work. You have kids. If you have children, they need you to be in control because when you're not, they have to become the adult. It's no fun. You don't vent your feelings all over the place. You take your lumps and move on. You swallow those lumps until they have a side effect. Mine is weight.
           I moved on from cookies to basically anything. But I am not really talking about cookies am I ? I am really talking about this week's topic in the Weight Watchers meeting about managing your feelings. We had a deep discussion about how most of us make poor eating choices because we want to feel SOMETHING (fill in your own blank here). I admitted in my previous blog that I read about a woman who had her dream job but was still unhappy and took it out on herself with food. This is actually a common thing. I admit to not being happy about some things in my life. Nothing harsh readers, just some things that I feel like I am not getting. Most of the time I brush it off to "what's for you is for you" but that does not mean that the feeling goes away. You're actually suppressing it.  And sometimes those feelings rise to the surface and you need a substitute. I admit to going to food without even asking myself if I am hungry.
           Last week I ate some out of the ordinary things for me. A bag of vanilla wafers, some french fries. I ate ice cream with my hubby two nights in a row. The first night it was two spoons and a quart. WW know that is an absolute no-no. But I was feeling down and didn't have my usual adreline rush so I medicated myself.  There was a length of time in my life where I medicated myself all the time. I did not workout. I barely went out except to go to work. I avoided some people and places. The weight piled on and I just kept wearing my big pants(some were recycled from my maternity wardrobe). I had a position where I was rarely seen outside of my office. Then my office was moved. Then I took a different position where I had to be a little more public. You know what I found out?  Eventually I started to figure out that I was the biggest person in the room. Huge revelation.
          Since then I joined Weight Watchers and I lost weight. Then I stopped going to meetings and I gained weight. Then I went back to meetings and I lost more weight than before. I still have a long way to go. This week I gained two pounds. Bummer. It could have been a lot worse being that I super indulged. But it wasn't because I was in control for part of the time. I did not work out and I barely tracked. Bad Carin!
         In the Tuesday Night Happy Hour meeting, a few of us vented our frustrations. I spoke out about how I buried my needs so down deep into myself that I had become the last person on my own list. It took me a long time to move myself higher and higher up my own list. There are still times when I revert for whatever reasons. That may be part of what's going on with me now. But I am awake. I had to chuckle at my friend, Tam admitting that she loves to eat things that begin with the letter C. It sounds silly but when you think about it....cookies, candy, cake, cheese doodles, cream ( as in ice cream); they all start with C.
         I have a different balance now. Whenever I can, I sing the silly songs. I dance the silly dance. I have a funny family that acts. We love to watch silly movies and laugh until we can't breathe.We talk to our cat and do impressions of what we think she would sound like and answer back.  I may not be a Broadway star but I am a Power Puff Mom. I wear a lot of pink and ride a pink bike. I am a little weird to some people but I don't worry about fitting in as much as I used to. C is for Carin. That's good enough for me.
        

Feelin Groovy

This morning I jumped up, looked at the clock and saw that it was 6:50am. I shook my hubby going OMG I overslept. The look on his face was you dummy (cue the jackass in the bubble over my head).It is Saturday morning; one of the two days a week that I get to sleep late. Once I realized my mistake, I got up and fed the cat. Most Saturday mornings, our cat Abby is scratching on the door for someone to get up and feed her. When I finished feeding her, I realized she was not there harrassing me for her food. I panicked thinking she was ill, but she looked at me with the same look hubby gave, why are you up? Usually Jake is up watching cartoons at this hour but no Jake. I procceded to make my favorite at home quick breakfast; two boiled eggs, two pieces of toast and two oranges. The eggs exploded in the pot while boiling. Really?!! Truly this is not my day.

           I have been having alot of "not my day" feelings lately. I keep on rolling along with the punches ( I mean really, what else am I going to do). But those punches are starting to take the wind out of me.What am I getting at? I am talking about staying on track.  Back in April I was down 48.2lbs. So close to losing 50lbs that I could taste it on the tip of my tongue. But since then I have been on a weird downward spiral. Do you know the feeling when you were small and you accidententally slipped into to deep part of the swimming pool and you found yourself making the choice whether to drown or swim your way back to the edge of the pool and live? That is how I feel.

  This week I gained 1.6lbs which brings my loss to 43.6lbs. That means I have gained five pounds, up and down a pound or two each week.  I am falling off the wagon and not managing my feelings and nor self monitoring. I am tracking the foods that I eat because I know darn well that it is important to do so. I even write down the bad things like eating a whole bag of Pop Chips at a baseball game. Tracking is an important tool in the Weight Watchers journey. I know this, but tracking alone does not stop me from making wrong choices because I am not managing my feelings.

   There should be a sign on me that says will eat anything. I am on a poor choice binge. This is not happening everyday. I am getting a laid back vibe about what I put in my mouth.The fact that it does not happen everyday I attribute to being on the program. The perfect analogy is having the "good me" /"bad me" on your shoulder. You have seen it on shows and cartoons. WW is the "good me" saying don't eat that; don't you remember what that did to you? On the other side the "bad me" is saying go ahead. What? Are the WW police going to come and get you?

A year ago, someone recommended the book "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. This book is about managing your feelings. I did not finish it a year ago. As a matter of fact, I lost it. So I recently downloaded it into my nook. I read a few pages this week and found myself thinking about all the reasons we eat. I know I have sat through this topic in many meetings. But the reference in the book that day was about someone having what she thought she wanted, not being happy with all aspects of it and turning to food to medicate herself. This taps into a lot of feelings about my life and how I deal with the things that I don't like about it. There are motivational speakers who will say just change it. Well guess what motivational speakers, sometimes there are circumstances you should not rush to change because it will start a domino effect to all the other aspects of life. Let people know that we are not going to be happy about EVERY aspect of your job, or EVERY aspect of your love life, or EVERY aspect of your relationship with your parents, siblings or offspring. Instead of teaching flight(with the exception of life threatening situations, of course), teach people that you can deal with things by taking a look at the good things aka the blessings.

  I have to take a page from my friend Tam's trip to the spa where she took lessons in meditation and breathing. I have not tried to meditate in a while. I think I need to breathe. I was talking to a collegue about what's going on in my life lately and complaining about how the continuing drama of the sprained ankle is taking all the fun about my Spring. She is working on some health issues on her own and said that I need to take it easy, stop trying to do everything and make my family help me. I started defending myself and she said I have a control problem. Me?? We're talking about someone whose apartment is a mess, whose finances are tighter than a speedo,and who is so overweight but cannot stop eating. I'm a control freak. I don't think so.  But historically, I have found when someone says something to you and you immediately get pissed off and defensive; there may be some truth about it. Things that make you go hmmmm......

THIS WEEK'S ACTIVITY
Tues - all day -4pts
Wed. - biking - 5pts
Thurs - all day - 3pts
Fri. - all day - 6pts
Sat. rest day
Sun -  all day + biking - 8pts
Mon - all day - 6pts
TOTAL = 32pts
            It's true that I have not been doing many formal exercising because by the time I get home from work and cook it's late and I think about the fact that I have not been off the ankle all day and prop it up on pillows. The days that I bike, I have been riding like the devil himself is behind me. My muscles ache all the way up into my butt.

WALK FROM NYC TO SEATTLE
Please forgive me for being a little off. I have not checked in a while so I will begin from June.
Previous miles= 2625.18
wk 1 +wk2 in June = 47.09miles
2,578.09 miles to go to SEATTLE

just keep peddling

saw this in a magazine and thought it was a real club LOL

            This week me and my WW homies stayed behind for Melanie first timers after the meeting again. I need all the help I can get. Until I get back on track, I will keep going to meetings, keep tracking ( even the cookies I ate ),keep moving  and keep putting the ankle on pillows. Please send me positive thoughts.

                

Walk Like An Egyptian Part One

             No, I didn't forget about the Tuesday Night Happy Hour Monthly 5K. This month's 5K took place on June 2nd and I think it was one of the best one's yet. Tam picked one of the best routes yet. Last month we ventured into Central Park territory for the first time and liked it. So this month we went through Central Park. and saw some really beautiful sites and I'd like to show some to you all.

the start line;Grace,me,Pete,Condy,Bob,Melanie,Tam,Steve

and Nina too

top of the Plaza Hotel

            Our start line was 58th Street and Fifth Avenue. I walked from my office for 18 blocks only to find out that our organizer Tam to the train. Way to go Tam.  It was a super windy corner. Luckily for us, two of officers were kind enough to take our start line pictures. Then we crossed a few streets and entered Central Park. If you enter Central Park around 6oth Street and Fifth Avenue, you will see the most beautiful view of a lake.

rocky trail

Central Park West skyline

          Suddenly in the middle of our walk, we were lost.

we should go this way

no,let's go that way

which way should we go

              We were looking for the carousel, but when we arrived. it was closed.

sorry Pete, the carousel's closed

           We looked for Tavern on the Green too, but it was closed.

      Then Tam took us to the surprise destination. Lincoln Center.

Coming soon, more pics from the June 5K.