This week I have come back to the realization of self sabotage. I have been trying to figure out what is going on with me lately. First of all my weight is on a yo-yo cycle of lose a couple , then gain a couple. This is not a good sign for me. One of the first reactions to seeing my weight on the WW weigh-in card was extreme despair mixed with anger. It was getting to be a bit much. So I asked the receptionist not to tell me if I gained or lost. I put the card into my WW booklet and sat down to enjoy the meeting. This worked out because instead of being pissed off at a gain, I was able to concentrate on the meeting. But I have to tell you. It had another effect. I was not watching my weight and I gained.
I was going through a rough time with responsibilities and life and I started to become depressed. When I get depressed I keep it to myself. One reason is because I was raised that way (did any of your mothers ever say "what happens in this house stays in this house"?). The other reason is because I tend to internalize everything. Although I cry on a dime during a sentimental commercial or movie, I think crying over myself is a waste of time. It seems that I don't think my own problems are important enough. It's easy to feel empathy for others and their problems but it's really hard to think of myself as important.
What does this create? Well for 45 years it has created a vortex of eating my problems. I was upset, my old man got sick, I hurt my foot, my job was killing me and I could not deal. So I started self medicating with my drug of choice: food. And I got sloppy. One week, I barely tracked. Another week I did not exercise as much. Then I started to feel sick which made me even more upset ( I am planning to run a 5K in a couple of weeks). How could I go backwards? How could I make do with less exercise? How could I take care of my job and my family during crucial times? I know. Stop taking care of myself. I shut down. I ate.
I started to notice that I felt lethargic and I got worried because I thought I was getting my hubby's cold. I started out filling in the E-Tools tracking for WW and realized that I had gone up a food point. Oh yes, I gained weight. Last week's meeting was about portion control. Sometimes when that topic comes along I get agitated as if haven't I heard enough blah blah blah about tracking? But no, it comes along for a reason. It helped to shake me out of my state of unconsiouness. I was sleep walking and numbing myself. Not full out binges but little binges here and there. Oh, wouldn't I like some chocolate? Why not have chocolate everyday? Why not have cookies ? Why not eat more than the serving size? Why not put a little extra rice, chicken, pasta ....... There is a reason. It's called total loss of control. It ends in weight gain.
During the last six days, I have been trying to set things right starting with measuring and tracking. I followed up with pulling back on the crap ( excessive snacking to medicate). Snacks have not been eliminated from my life, they are only more controlled. I made an effort to keep walking when I can. I was getting filled with despair over my last two funky runs. That led to depression that I will suck at the running 5K in less than two weeks. But what does it matter if I only half run/ half walk my 5K. I am doing a 5K. This is something I would not believe if you said to me five years ago. There has been progress in my life. Last year this time I was losing weight steadily so obviously I can do it. I just need to try harder.
This brings me back to the title of my blog which was a pop/country hit in 1970 that I would listen to on my Mom's kitchen radio. I love songs from the 70's so much because somehow their lyrics are still with me. I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden. Along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometimes. That's truly what life is. Some days are internally sunny and some are internally rainy. Sometimes life is going to mess with you and you have to figure out a way to deal. For me, eating is an extremely consequential way to deal with my problems.
1 year ago