Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Sound of Silence

     I'm sorry that I skipped last week's blog. There was a lot going on. I was thinking about my journey with Weight Watchers one day last week.  I was doing a lot of complaining in the last fews weeks to my hubby( this man truly deserves cheese with my whine). Ironically I diagnosed myself right before his eyes while writing in the handy dandy Ultimate 3 Month Tracker. My diagnosis was right in front of me;
TIP # 13
Compare and Despair. Judging your rate of weight loss against another's can lead to feelings of despair. Simply focus on your own journey.
       Most of the time I have no problem with this, but recently the green-eyed monster has taken up residence in my brain. I saw a friend who started her journey after me drop 50lbs in 3 months. During my meetings I watch my fellow travelers reach their goal. And I am genuinely happy for them. I know how hard it was for them. But my journey is a slow one. And sometimes when I look in the mirror I see the same person I was at 277lbs. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's true in my head. The only time I think I had progress is when people who have not seen me in a while say 'did you lose weight. I can see it in your face'. I have to learn how to take those compliments and thank these people for validating my struggle while the mirror in my head does not. So coming out of Compare and Despair takes a lot of hard work. Most of it comes in the form of reassurance from my hubby that there has definitely been a change.  But it must come from inside of me.

 I feel compelled to let the geek out. I was thinking how to compare WW when it hit me. It is like a metaphor for The Matrix. To quote Morpheus, I am offering you the truth, nothing more. WW is Morpheus,  responsible for helping dreamers to wake up and see the forms of reality. I cannot believe how many years I slept through gaining weight. I mean literally slept through. I can choose to take the PINK pill or the BLACK pill.

 BLACK pill = I can just keep eating everything that I want, never exercise and gain weight until my heart explodes and believe what I want to believe. Or I can go on a crash diet and lose tons of weight and when I stop the weight will stay off.

PINK pill = I can stay on the program and see just how deep this journey goes. "How can you free your mind from a lifetime of conditioning? By refusing to fear, refusing to be beguiled, refusing to be taken in. Strip away the illusions and realize your own potential.


Jake drives remote control car while I jog.

wearing hat I knitted
Last week's activity
Tues. all day = 5pts
Wed. WALKING 5K = 8pts + all day = 2pts (17,035 steps in one day)
Thurs. all day = 5pts
Fri. all day = climbed 50 flights of stairs all and all day = 3pts + 30 mins walk dvd w/ 3lb weights = 3pts
Sat. Jog 3.35 miles = 7pts
Sun. rest day
Mon. walk 46 blocks = 5pts + all day =4pts
Total pts. =  37pts

    The results from all of the extra walking was 2lbs. Which brought me to 229lbs / 48.6lbs lost so far. I savored that moment in disbelief because I finally cracked the 230lbs ceiling. I floated through the rest of that evening with the joy of accomplishment. I was childishly giddy. I was sweet to my hubby.
And then the phone rang. And my mom went back into the hospital. Between trips to the hospital and the grind of my alter egos (Mom -exec. asst.), I fear that I did not exercise as much this week.  I tracked as best as I could. I fear that I have let myself down after last week's loss but I have to accept that things happen and you have to keep moving forward when those things happen. If I do not keep my journey in my head at all times, I will lose myself. I know this sounds selfish while my mom is in the hospital but what you all do not know about me is that I spent my childhood, teen years and young adult years taking care of my mother. It was not always bad or good, but it was different. I learned to cope with things in ways no girl ever should. And when I was in pain I sexed, drank, drugged and ate my way through the pain. Eventually the mantle of mom cured me of the other devices but that last legal drug, FOOD, has been the death of me. I was numbing myself so that I did not have to feel the things I did not want to feel.
          Since I needed to fit the hospital visits into my regiment, I started walking 46 blocks a couple of mornings. I happen to like walking in the morning . I have to tell you that walking through Manhattan in the dark is a bit scary. The occasional jogger and dog walker goes past you but you are all alone.  Being alone is something I am not terribly used to. My friend Tam recently found the pleasures of meditating. I used to meditate before I had Jake. Now the noise never stops. There is always someone asking for something, doing something or thinking about doing something. I find that my mind wanders when I try to meditate. I have to keep pulling it back. When I was at the hospital the other day by myself, it was so quiet that it took me a awhile to realize it. But when I did realize it, I started to meditate. I heard my own breathing. I felt my own breath go in and out of my body. It was one of the most peaceful feelings I've had in a while.
This week's activity
Tues. Workout with Total Gym in chiropractor's office= 2pts
Wed. all day = 2pts ( I was still sore from Total Gym workout)
Thurs. Walked 46 blocks to work = 5pts + all day = 3pts ( 13,150 steps)
Fri. Walked 46 blocks to work = 5pts + all day 3pts (11, 568 steps)
Sat. running errands = 4pts
Sun. jogged 2.46miles & walked .82 miles= 5pts + erands= 2pts
Mon. rest day sort of = 1pt
Total activity points= 32 pts
            The jogging on Sunday was a little rough. My mind told me I could go, go,go but my legs said 'we'll see what we can do'. In the end I jogged 2 1/2 laps, walked for one and jogged the other 1/2 lap. I did not get to to my dvd's a night for obvious reasons. This week I gained 2lbs. I am back in the 230's. My weight is 231lbs. I am a little pissed off about it. Don't worry. I always get pissed at first and then I get even. This week's meeting topic is about setbacks. Each one teaches me a lesson. First of all, a weight gain can be anything. For me it was a drastic change in my life. Stress, little sleep, and less exercise. Thank goodness that I have the plan because there coulld have been tons of fast food and emotional eating. Even though I was tired, I tracked what I ate. Even though our dinners were late, I cooked them and controlled them. How do you cope with them? What do you do when they happen?

In my last blog, I started my walk to Seattle challenge ( an idea from Bob). When we left off I was down to 2856.03 miles.
Last week: 2856.03 - 13.67( I forgot to record a lot of mileage) = 2842.36 miles left
This week: 2842.36 - 19.64 = 2822.72 miles left to Seattle
     I'm getting there.....



1 comment:

  1. You are doing it -- we all see the changes -- the weight loss, the increased ability to walk farther, run faster and climb higher. The weight is coming off, you are making healthier choices. It is happening! Keep up the great work!