Saturday, April 3, 2010

I Want My Vanity Back

I have been thinking a lot about what to say. Lately I have felt completely overwhelmed. I am doing so many things at once that I am losing control. I am working on my weight. For me it is very frustrating. For the last nine years, I have let myself go. I dressed comfortably ( elastic waist pants). Now I am trying to undo it all. I joined Weight Watchers. Actually I joined a couple years ago. After losing about 19 pounds, I injured my knee. Then the rest of me broke down in other places. My foot. Foot surgery. Falling from imbalance. Although I went to work limping everyday, I was balled up in a fetal position in my head. Then came the negotiations. I can eat this, I can eat that. And just like that, 19 pounds returned to my body. Since I was still very large in size, no one knew my personal shame. To add insult to injury, one of my co-workers dropped 40 pounds on the program and was earning well deserved praise. I just kept on eating. Then something different happened. The video Beyonce did for "Put A Ring On It" came out. I found myself watching it over and over wishing I was a cute as that. Like the Grinch grew his heart ten times its size, my vanity grew back. I vowed to get started to be cute again. So I renewed my weight losing vows and jumpstarted an exercising program. Two months after that I went back to Weight Watchers meetings. The weight started to come off. Then back on. Then back off. Anyone who has tried to lose weight knows it is a long battle. I am currently down 23 pounds. Weight is another form of prison. It goes with you everywhere. It makes your health fail. It shortens your lifespan. It keeps you from going places or allowing yourself to be seen. It is one of the greatest tool of a doormat. We hide deep within it. Food is our drug of choice.

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