Better Days to come

I was feeling kind of bad for the last few days. I was blaming the weather or the whatever. I was down. At my weigh in at the April 20, I had lost a half a pound. A half pound. I could not believe it. I mean here I am doing a lot of extra walking- training for 5K walk - and all I lost was 1/2 lb. So what did I do wrong? I have been journaling what I eat. I worked out. I took my vitamins and I've been getting some rest. So I felt bad. I got up early to do my morning walk but with less enthusiasm. Then the rain came on Friday. Perfect excuse not to do the walking. On Saturday, I laid around and still managed to get up and walk for four miles (that felt good). But once I was back home, the bad feeling came right back to me. It rained again on Sunday and I caught up on "Fringe" on the DVR. Suddenly I was starving.
Please notice I said STARVING. I already had a wonderful breakfast. So I went into the kitchen to make my son's lunch and found myself standing in front of the plastic container with the left over pasta from Thursday's dinner in one hand and a fork in the other. I took the first fork full. Yum! Then as I was taking the second fork full, my husband walkied into the kitchen. Those of you who diet know that this is SECRET EATING. But there was no shame in my game and I shoved the second fork full in my mouth. Now as I am shoving, I am hearing an imaginary bell go off in my head. It goes....BLT..ding...BLT...ding. (BLT stands for Bites Licks Tastes) so that's two points. Yes. I went for the third and fourth and closed the container and put it back in the fridge and went back to the DVR. Suddenly, I realized I was still hungry. So I grabbed a Weight Watchers Almond Sensation bar....ding...ding.. and wolfed that bad boy down. It was so good that I washed it down with another Almond Sensation..ding..ding. You guessed it . EIGHT POINTS went down the tube just because I was a little bit hungry.
Monday -more rain- no walking. Tuesday morning it rained again- no walking. My weekly meetings are on Tuesday evening. I went to it relieved because I knew there was going to be a weight gain. I was resolved to having a gain this week. I just pretended I was okay with it. And it was there. I gained one pound. But it wasn't as dreadful as I thought it would be. It was concrete, it was real, it was me. This week's meeting topic was Changing from the inside out. Our leader handed out the booklet on habits of successful members. - behaviors that will help you lose weight. There is a habit profile quiz on the inside. I had taken this quiz a while ago but I thought it was important to take it again to see if I saw something helpful. My outcome was..

#3- Learn From Experience
#2- Manage Your Thoughts
#1- Take Care of Yourself

Let's start with #3. Since I am new to blogging, I need to let you know that I have been a lazy member with Weight Watchers since 2007. I have have lost and gained the same 19 pounds over and over. Not because of Weight Watchers , but because I didn't LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE. You see I tend to get frustrated when I don't lose weight fast. But I have to realize that I did not gain all this weight fast. I did it slowly and methodically and blindly. and then I woke up three years ago and said Oh crap!. I joined a meeting got bored, used needing to get home to my kids as an excuse and stopped going. The weight came back. Then I found another meeting on Saturdays and I made a commitment to attend them even though it meant getting up early and commuting to the city. I loved my meeting, my leader and my group. I lost 19 pounds. Then I hurt my knee trying to be super active and used that as the excuse not to go to my meeting. Of course the weight came back. When I started going to meetings again last Spring, there were setbacks. Such as.. there was an annoying elderly couple and their friends who joined and distrupted every meeting by interupting the leader and making jokes. They were like a cheesy Las Vegas lounge act , I swear. But I kept going because I needed it. Then the leader I liked kept calling in sick and suddenly it was like ..who is the leader of the week now???!!! That has thankfully come to and end. I like my leader Melanie alot (and I like her substitute Ellen as well).
With the disappearance of the initial leader, the lounge act left as well. I enjoy the group I am with now. I have had set backs. I even gained back six pounds. But I kept going and they went away. I LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE that this is going to be a long exhausting journey for me and I need to stick with it. And I am, good or bad.
I will attack habits #2 and #1 at another time. I promise.

PS.... The dark depressing feeling I had turned out to be true. I found out that a good friend of mine passed away almost a year ago. He was in my head yesterday morning and I found myself Google-ing him and found a memorial notice dated almost a year ago. I am sad because I miss my friend but I no longer feel weird or depressed. He was one of the most funniest human beings on earth and I spent years laughing with him when he was my co-worker. I keep remembering all the funny things he would say or do and I found myself giggling. That's how I chose to remember his life and how he brought and keeps bringing the sunshine into mine.

It's not how you win or lose

Last night I went to my weekly Weight Watchers meeting. I lost weight. 1.8lbs. That does not sound like much but to me it is everything. That measley puny little 1.8 brought me to a grand total of 25 pounds. I even received a special 25 pounds charm for my key chain. The doormat on me was happy to get to that special part but also wanted to remain in the background and not say anything about it. Well my leader outed me last night and presented me with my very first charm. Now the real nail biting begins because I want to if I can maintain and take it down one more pound. I am my own worst enemy and I have to stand up for myself. The first step towards that is THE CHALLENGE. Did you just love the drama? This week we were challenged to do a 5K ( 3.1 miles). I do that during laps around the track. So this morning I dragged my really tired self off the bus at 72nd St. , more than thirty blocks from my job. I did it. I walked the entire way. I am so proud of myself. I accomplished a goal. To the overachieving exercisers out there, that's nothing. But to this couch potato. In addition to that, I walked from 40th St. to 23rd St. If I don't watch out, I might crack the case that is me.

I Want My Vanity Back

I have been thinking a lot about what to say. Lately I have felt completely overwhelmed. I am doing so many things at once that I am losing control. I am working on my weight. For me it is very frustrating. For the last nine years, I have let myself go. I dressed comfortably ( elastic waist pants). Now I am trying to undo it all. I joined Weight Watchers. Actually I joined a couple years ago. After losing about 19 pounds, I injured my knee. Then the rest of me broke down in other places. My foot. Foot surgery. Falling from imbalance. Although I went to work limping everyday, I was balled up in a fetal position in my head. Then came the negotiations. I can eat this, I can eat that. And just like that, 19 pounds returned to my body. Since I was still very large in size, no one knew my personal shame. To add insult to injury, one of my co-workers dropped 40 pounds on the program and was earning well deserved praise. I just kept on eating. Then something different happened. The video Beyonce did for "Put A Ring On It" came out. I found myself watching it over and over wishing I was a cute as that. Like the Grinch grew his heart ten times its size, my vanity grew back. I vowed to get started to be cute again. So I renewed my weight losing vows and jumpstarted an exercising program. Two months after that I went back to Weight Watchers meetings. The weight started to come off. Then back on. Then back off. Anyone who has tried to lose weight knows it is a long battle. I am currently down 23 pounds. Weight is another form of prison. It goes with you everywhere. It makes your health fail. It shortens your lifespan. It keeps you from going places or allowing yourself to be seen. It is one of the greatest tool of a doormat. We hide deep within it. Food is our drug of choice.